My last name is idiot

Is idiot my last name? Why do I keep doing things that don’t make sense? Why do I keep repeating the same mistakes? Why am I constantly feeling upset about things that are not suppose to be important? What is wrong with me? I’ve always considered myself as decent person. I make mistakes, but I don’t steal, I don’t rob, I don’t kill, I don’t go around cursing other people’s family. I’m not an angel, but I think I can say that I’ve done an average, if not more, amount of good deeds in life. So where did I go wrong? What the hell did I do wrong? Falling in love? With the first guy that I love with my whole heart? Why in the world that of all people…it has to be him? Why? Why is he so important to me? Why is my world upside down after losing him? He’s just a guy, for god sake. And I let myself drown a million times because of him. Because he doesn’t love me anymore. I can’t describe how ashamed I feel of myself, when I think of the tears I’ve wasted, and the time I’ve wasted feeling sad and depressed. And how would my mother feel if she finds out that her daughter, who is supposedly ‘strong’, is still depressed over the same person, after all that has happened? All these while I thought I was a strong person. I thought I could handle all challenges in life. I went through things that normal kids don’t. I wasn’t born ‘perfect’. I grew up in a family where the members spent times killing each other. I don’t remember the feeling of having a father. In my whole life, I have these morons haunting me & my family, telling me what I should believe, and what I should do. I didn’t let that bother me. I thought it made me more matured and sensible. But now, I just feel like a useless piece of shit. What is the matter with me? Why is my brain full of negativity? What happened to my ability to think sensibly? Is this me? Is this really me? Is my mind now being controlled by some kinda ghost? Or did I knock my head a few months ago? Did someone curse me? Or was I born idiot, but too idiot to realize it…til now?