Secret

I’ve just watched the movie Secret, by Jay Chou just now. Didn’t expect much, at first. If its not because of my colleagues’ semangat yang membara-bara to watch, I think I would have chosen to watch that rat cartoon instead. Haha.

but nevermind, cause I’ve no regrets. Wah really nice lo. It is nothing like what I thought it would be. I love to watch something that I cant predict what will happen next. Hehe. There were however, some parts that i dont really understand. Cant believe Xiao Ying and Soo Soon cried like mad dogs hahaha.

I think if jerk watched, he’ll love it too. He likes that kind of movie. But I’ll never really know la. Haha. And yes, I know it’s non of my business. So I’m gonna shut up and go to bed now…

no title

After procrastinating for a thousand years, I’ve finally submitted my application for intermission today. A bit lega jor hahaha

Thanks donk, and sorry that you had to wait for me so long til that weird guy can’t stop staring at you. Hahaha. Only you understand why I cannot walk around uni alone. You see la you’re so important. I think next week you should wait for me outside cause I almost died yesterday, before I saw your donkey face. Luckily I’m not a bit blind like someone right? LOL

2006 - ending soon..

OMG 2007 is coming soon...

compared to last year end/earlier this year...

i'm now older, poorer, more stupid, less confident, less happy...and have totally lost Jerk. i think i can file for bankruptcy hahaha.

aih..

i'm gonna be 20 in less than a month.

...and this may be the worst birthday ever...especially if i still have Jerk in my head.

ok don't think.

hopefully, all the bad things will end together with 2006.

Happy New Year.

Is there anything that actually works for this idiot over here?

Jerk talked to me today. In msn. He told me time passes very fast. He said he remember when he was in my house last Christmas eve, he took picture of his legs wearing my mother’s heels. I think we named that pic 'sexy legs'

Of course I remember that. I also remember him chasing me around with my comb, trying to comb my hair for me. Oh, if I’m not mistaken, that was the day he gave me that cracked heels cream. How can I forget?

I spent this pathetic Christmas, trying hard to erase last year’s memories. I bet he enjoyed his very much. If I continue to be like this, there are many more extra pathetic days coming soon. His birthday, my birthday, Chinese New Year, Valentines Day…

I’m chatting with yong right now. He said I only ‘fan’ bout love and nothing else. It is never about money or other stuff. Well of course. That is because I only ‘fan’ about stuff that I don’t know how to solve. If I don’t have enough money, I’ll find a way to get it. I’ll get a job, or whatever. I don’t sit down and cry about it. If I have problems with my family, I’ll solve it. If I failed my exams, I’ll do better next time. If I lost something, I look for it. I don’t need to complain to anyone about all these because I can handle them myself. But can anyone teach me how to stop loving someone? How to stop feeling sad? How to forget? Tell me.

They think I didn’t try. They think I’m trying to get him back. Do I need to explain? As if they will understand.

I really hope that with a job to keep me busy…I will feel better. Besides that I don’t know what else to do. If pain killers can ease the pain, I will take lots and lots of ‘em. If I can stay alive after being hit by a lorry, but forget everything that happened this year, I will run out right now. If I can turn back time to change something, I will.

Hahaha…I better stop before I come up with more nonsense. My uncle just called me the queen of nonsense this afternoon. LOL.

Merry Christmas. Though a lil late.

Cry baby

Third day…

Here I am…crying. And just now I nearly picked up the phone to call Jerk. I even wanted to send him a message when I saw him online. Mad.

I wanna tell him about my interview today…I wanna tell him I got a job from a bridal store…I wanna share with him some videos I discovered from youtube last night…I wanna tell him something happened at home today makes me sad…but he wouldn’t be interested anymore, right?

Donk asked me why I am weeping over someone who doesn’t give a damn.

…I don’t know.

I used to complain that he always make fun of me and laugh at whatever I do or say.

Now I kinda miss that. I miss Jerk.

Darn.

A.L.I.V.E.

Ok this is the second day...

...guess what? I'm still alive.

...

Trying to play sudoku just now but can hardly concentrate. Now I’m sitting here…thinking what productive stuff I have done lately.

Can’t think of any. I guess I’ve stop functioning for very long.

Besides burying myself in sudoku puzzles, I spent these few days wondering whether Jerk will ever come again. I also tried convincing myself that he really means it when he said we are best friends and that he’ll always care. Maybe I should just stop thinking this way. I know I can’t change the fact that he no longer loves me, so I really appreciate our friendship, or whatever ship you call it. And to be more realistic, I know I’m not gonna be a ‘permanent resident’ in his heart. I could be kicked out anytime. That’s why I treasure every single minute we spent together.

Because of him, I put aside all my so-called principles and dignity. I do stuff that do not seem to be right. I let him come and go whenever he wants to. I still talk to him when I promised myself not to. Sometimes, I stupidly offer to buy him supper.

I feel worthless. ..Or maybe I am.

But I didn’t mind, because I love him. I love him a lot, until I have nothing left for myself. I know there is no way I can expect the same in return, but I love him anyway.

For the whole week, after he left my house that day, I have this feeling that he’s already totally bored with me. i'm just something that he can take and throw away anytime. Now I’ve come to a conclusion that…not only he doesn’t care anymore; to him…I’m just an invaluable asset.

No, no. not even qualified to be an asset. More like a liability.

Maybe not. I’m just a worthless piece of…erm…erm…rubbish? shit? chewing gum? Whatever.

I don’t wanna ask or confront him anymore. It will just make me more worthless. I’ll just get lost. Not that it will ever affect him. Maybe that’s what he wants.

Hope I can really do it this time. I just survived my first day and it’s killing me.


p/s: Siang, sorry for dragging you out to yum cha with me and missed your friend’s party. Mafia Boss, thanx for cheering me up by calling me at 3am to talk about shit. :)

Kenangan Terindah - Samsons

Aku yang lemah tanpamu
Aku yang rentan karena
Cinta yang telah hilang darimu
Yang mampu menyanjungku

Selama mata terbuka
Sampai jantung tak berdetak
Selama itupun aku mampu
Tuk mengenangmu

Darimu Kutemukan hidupku
Bagiku Kaulah cinta sejati

Bila yang tertulis Untukku
Adalah yang terbaik untukmu
Kan ku jadikan kau kenangan
Yang terindah dalam hidupku
Namun takkan mudah bagiku
Meninggalkan jejak hidupku
Yang telah terukir abadi
Sebagai kenagan yang terindah

when ever am i going to wake up?

Throughout the whole trip I can’t help wondering how the trip would be if Jerk was there. Haha how pathetic. The first packet of chocolate I bought was for Jerk. Mad lar. Mad. He didn’t even remember that I was going to Langkawi on the 6th. He just didn’t care. Kok Chean was right. He said if I told Jerk I failed my finals, he’d would probably ask why and forget about it. He wouldn’t be interested to know if I’m facing any problem or how this affects me. He will never care. And that was exactly what happened. Haih. Sendiri bodoh lar. What can I expect from some one who can’t even stay in love with me for more than 3 months? I bet he wouldn’t shed a tear even if I got hit by a bus and die tomorrow.

Aiyo stop complaining lar. Already said wanna love unconditionally so just shut up. Just accept the fact that you’re nothing to him. idiot.

Langkawi trip part 3

bus station

last photo before leaving langkasuka

madness

island hopping. Mr & Mrs Loo with their 4 retarded kids

macam orang gila

jia(left) n me

look at that hantu behind us

3 idiots posing again at the balcony

me and jia, at the langkasuka beach. Omg my legs are as white as the sand wahahha. Mad.

adui

wahahaha. Me, jia, boon hui and lionel were playing cards where losers have to drink whatever we pour into the glass. This is how boon hui look like when he had too much whisky. Wahaha

pintai

cenang beach. From left: putih, sederhana, gelap. Waahahahahaha (soli chai, just kidding)

Langkawi trip part 2

dinner at coco beach restaurant

view from the bridge.by Nicole

All 7 of us…on the bridge on top of the hill…after the cable car ride. White t shirt – lionel and siang yeng, and Nicole. Black t-shirt (from left)- jia vern, me, chai hoong, boon hui.

don't ask me. i don't know either.

me and jia with mahsuri. I mean her tomb stone

sunset.by jia vern