be strong

About 17 hours ago, you've decided that its time to stop feeling miserable. you've decided to stop forcing yourself. you've decided to learn to love in a different way.
so please be strong and dont turn back. you've survived 17 hours being 'miserable-free'...keep it up. dont start thinking negative. im begging u.

Love Jerk the way I love Nic Tse

After all the confrontation and stuff, do I still love Jerk? Is he still worth my love? Yes, I do. I still love Jerk, and I guess I’m not gonna force myself to forget him anymore. I’m gonna learn to love unconditionally. To give without expecting anything in return. There’s no such thing as not worth it. Love is unexplainable. There is no right. There is no wrong. Love is not like business. Not about earning anything. Love doesn’t necessarily need to be a give-and-take thing. You can give without taking. I don’t need to own him to love him. Because I already have him in my heart, and that’s enough.
(Funny, I never thought that I would love Jerk this much. When I was with Jerk, chai told me that siang n her were afraid that I don’t know how to appreciate Jerk. Maybe it’s because how unserious I was towards my relationship with johnwoo and Kelvin. They also said Jerk is a good guy and very loyal. Haha. See what happened? Haha.)
I think I’ve made up my mind, to stop finding anyone to replace jerk anymore. I know very well that I’m not desperate to have a boyfriend. And I’m not in a hurry to commit myself in another relationship. I was just trying too hard to forget Jerk. All these stuff about potential jerk are all nonsense. No matter how I try, I failed to ‘transfer’ my love to potential jerk.
I didn’t choose to love Jerk. I don’t wanna love jerk forever, and I believe I won’t. No, I will still love him in future, but it would be another type of love. I call that friendship. Meanwhile, before another jerk step into my life, I’ll just continue to love him. No, no, I’m not gonna try to win him back. I just wanna learn to love in a different way. I don’t wanna constantly be upset over tiny stuff related to him. I don't wanna think about how i should treat him, how to hide my feelings, or how to act normal. I’m tired. I’m very, very tired. I don’t quite remember anymore, how it feels to be happy. Poor Donk. She hasn’t really seen the happy side of me. LOL. Not my fault, donk. You should have known me at least a few months earlier. Yeah, you should have come to talk to me when we were in TBS. Oh, to Boon Kian, the ‘happy-fruit’ will be back. wahaha.
So, its ok tat I’m a nobody to Jerk. Its ok tat I only see him averagely 3 hours a week. Its ok tat he’s not using that teddy wallpaper anymore. It’s ok if he already abandons the white teddy and wet dream pillow case. Its ok tat we don’t chat on the phone anymore. Its ok tat I can’t go for movies with him anymore. Its ok tat I can’t ask him to bring me to fun fair anymore. It’s ok that he never offers to buy me supper anymore. Its ok tat he’ll never appreciate me. It’s ok even if one day, he decides not to come anymore.
I hope I can do it. Haih. I’m so broke that I haven’t buy nic tse’s new album. Listening to his song from hk radio right now. Yeah, nic tse(1st pic) is a person I love very, very much. hahaha. I’m mad. He doesn’t even know me. LOL. So what? Why can’t I love him? He’s a normal human too, right? I’ve always thought that my love for Nic Tse is a beautiful thing. I feel happy just by knowing that he is. I never expect to get anything from him. hahaha. I don’t know what type of love is it called. I should love Jerk the way I love Nic Tse. Never mind that I’m just holding a supporting role. Doesn’t matter that he doesn’t love me. As long as he’s happy. I’m imagining his happy face right now. (2nd pic)hahaha.I love to see him laugh.
Wahaha. OMG Shasha has grown up. See what love can do to a person...

Donk = 8

Donk is really super 8. she is going to abandon her textbook just to listen to my CNN report. wahahahaha. wahaahhahahahaha

dont-know-what-title

Jerk came just now. haha. Jian Hui’s gonna slap me. The reason he forced me to confront Jerk the other day was to make things clear. To hear/see him say to my face that he doesn’t love me at all. And then get him out of my life. I did ask him stuff like whether he loves me or not. Haha. Not that I don’t know. But I wanna ask for the very last time…so that however he treats me in the future…I won’t stupidly be confused and think that maybe I’m still somebody to him. So, as expected, he said he doesn’t love me at all, not even a lil. He never thinks of me at all when he doesn’t c me. Oh, and he did say stuff like it’s not love, but it’s some kinda ex-gf-plus-best-fren feeling. And he keeps repeating that we are best friends. Hahaha, of course I’m happy that he treats me as a best friend, but Donk was asking, “Best friend where got pintai geh?”
The thing is, not that I can’t accept a casual relationship like this. I don’t mind, just that I was a lil confused, because the jerk that I know will not do this kinda thing to his gf. So I stupidly thought that, haha, like what Donk said, ‘he unconsciously still have me in his heart’. Ok, now we know we’re wrong. Even though I refer him as jerk, I don’t really think he’s a jerk. But usually if u have a girlfriend and you’re still doing stuff with your ex girlfriend, you’re a jerk hahaha. And that makes me a bitch. So what if we’ve been doing this all these while…before he even knew his gf? It doesn’t make me less ‘evil’. Aih. Never thought this would happen to me. Hate myself. At the same time I’m also worried that he’ll never come again. I’m such a bitch. What ever.
I guess he loves his girl friend more than he used to love me. I accidentally saw his hp’s wallpaper just now. Can’t see clearly, because I was standing, and his phone was on the floor. But obviously it’s not the picture of that two bears anymore. I think it’s him and his girlfriend. When we were together, he didn’t put our picture as wallpaper/ msn display pic. Hahaha..i don’t even have a photo taken with him. aiyo what ever lar.
I was supposed to kick him out of my life after he said he doesn’t love me. yeah that was what I was told to do. But cannot lar. I can’t putuskan hubungan with him. I still want this friendship. And it’s really not his fault that I still love him (ok im so cheung hei.i said this a million times). I just need to keep reminding myself that I mean nothing to him. ok why am I still saying this, even after he said we’re best friends? Even after he said I’m the female friend that he cares the most?
I don’t know. I just think that he’s abusing this best friend thingy. I think we WERE best friends before he fell in love with me. That’s when I really share almost everything with him. We went to fun fair together, we talked on the phone, sometimes we have supper together, etc. now we don’t talk anymore. I can’t remember the last time he called me to chat. I don’t call him because the last 2 times I called, he wasn’t free. I’m not sure, maybe he didn’t wanna talk to me. So I told myself not to call him anymore. I honestly believe that I’m something that he doesn’t mind having, but it’s ok not to have it either. I’m just a supporting role in his life. Best friend? Bull shit. Anyway, it’s ok because I’m beginning to care less about those stuff. Best friend, normal friend, good friend, ex-girlfriend, what difference does it make?
He said I don’t tell him a thing anymore. It’s true; it’s my fault that we don’t share everything anymore. But how to share if most of the time he’s the reason I feel upset? how am I suppose to let him see this blog, if most of the stuff I write is about how miserable he makes me feel? He was looking at my browsing my laptop just now and discovered my blog. He saw the post about potential jerk. He asked me who is he, do I like him, and did he hurt me. wahahaha. Very funny. If only I love potential jerk, or if only potential jerk is the one who hurts me, I would feel much happier now. But no, til now, Jerk is the only guy that has the ability to hurt me.
Aiyo this post is so long. forgot wat else to write. bye for now.

Testing, testing

esther said cant post. arlalalala

LA LA LA

ok ok going to continue marketing RIGHT NOW

just wait a lil while more

For a while...i was feeling kinda happy. chatted with that soh poh esther just now hahaha. and donk too. cant wait for the exams to be over. cant wait for all these mess to be over. after exam, i'll sleep for as long as i want, watch lots n lots of tv series, travel, lepak with gsy in decanter too, lepak in bestari, go out with pohlin n tfy, go out with donk and moo, find esther, meet frens from tbf, yum cha with chai n others, yum cha with those crazy ppl form 5 ikhlas...and the list goes on hahaha.memang kaki lepak wahaha.
wanna make myself busy. forget jerk. really really forget jerk.
i dont need him to have supper with me. i dont need him to watch movies with me. i dont need him to hug me when im sleeping. i dont need him to cheer me up when im down. i dont need him to share my problems with me. i dont need him to come to my house. i dont need him to talk to me. i dont need to to care for me. I DONT NEED HIM!!! not anymore. (wahaha if only its so easy)
so pls get jerk out of your head and stuff some marketing stuff in. everything is gonna be over soon. and make sure its really over. wahahaha.

LOST

I THINK I LOST MY SOUL. COME BACK LER..

DIA DATANG!!!

Feeling so miserable...finals is coming. in 2 days...

Darn..i cant function in the morning hahaha

ok please go and study now..

ACC B...here i come...

Potential Jerk's Birthday

Today is Potential Jerk's birthday. hahahahaha. not only him. many of my friends' birthdays fall on these few days. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! Yer if only i can meet potential jerk today...or if only i went to Ruum Jungle with GSY just now...then Jerk wouldnt have the chance to sakitkan my hati and make me feel worthless. ok dont think. hahahahaha i wonder how's potential jerk celebrating his birthday.

p/s: Potential Jerk is erm...some one that has the potential to be a jerk. hahaha. ok ok..he's some one that may replace Jerk's position in my heart. i wish. haih God bless me lar (LOL). If only it is so easy to fall in love again...

nothing, nobody

Right now, at this moment, I feel that I’m nothing to Jerk. I’m stupid. Full stop.

STUDY STUDY STUDY

I need motivation to study. hahaha. STOP SLEEPING!!!

How deep is your love?

My family always thinks that Jerk and I are still together, and I’m tired of explaining. Can’t blame them. Sometimes I’m a lil confused too; by the way he treats me. I believe Jerk loves me. I really do. Call me stupid, call me naïve, -yes, yes, maybe I mean nothing to him anymore- but I honestly feel that he does (despite constantly reminding myself that he doesn’t) He loves me. He loves me more than a normal friend does. Just that he doesn’t love me enough to make me his girlfriend (again). He doesn’t love me enough to stop hurting me. Yeah, already enough reasons for me to kick him out of my life right? Obviously I didn’t. I didn’t because I love him too much. I love him more than I should. But not enough for me to let go. My friend once told me that if you love someone deeply, you’d be happy just by knowing that he is. I guess I’m not there yet. Because it hurts me, knowing that he’s with someone else. I guess he loves the girl, I mean his girlfriend, a lot too. But his love for her isn’t enough to stop him from still having me floating in his head. It isn’t enough to stop him to come looking for me. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe not. Whatever it is, I know I should move on. Enough of being confused over what’s in his mind. It doesn’t matter anymore. So what if he still cares about me? So what if he still have me in his heart? I should very well know that I’m not his girlfriend anymore, someone else is. I should also know that he will never learn to appreciate me, because I’m ALWAYS here when he needs me. I don’t deserve to be treated like this, I know that. But I’m still not strong enough to leave everything behind. Friends are disappointed, as I’m not half as strong as I used to be. I guess Jerk is right. I don’t love myself (he said that when he knew I got drunk outside). I don’t love myself enough to protect myself from getting hurt. I don’t know how to explain why I feel he’s still in love with me. As I said, I may be wrong, but I know him very, very well, and sometimes there are many things that I know, without him telling me. In this case, he made me feel that he loves me, but not much. Again, I’m not confident (simply because I have 0 confidence), and it doesn’t make any difference (anymore). He belongs to someone else now. So there you go. That proves that my brain is still functioning. I’m still able to think logic. I just need more strength for me to stand up. Let us just be good/best friends...like the way we used to be before falling in love.

Friends, Family, Baskin Robbin, and Jerk

I went out with my 3 best frens(GSY AKA KIMMY, TFY AKA MICHELLE, POHLIN) from primary school the other day. Didn’t feel like going at first (lazy lar hahaha…finals coming but haven’t study)…but I glad I did. It has been a year since the 4 of us hang out together. It’s not easy you know. One in Cheras, one in Subang, one in Cyberjaya, and the other one in Hartamas/Damansara. Ok we are not that far away from each other actually ( Cheras to cyber 45 mins, cheras to subang-20 mins, cheras to hartamas-30mins), but susah lar sometimes. Transport problem, time problem, money problem, wahahaha. By the way, I think we had a great time at Bestari (my favourite mamak lol)…eating…talking…and laughing til 5.30am. I wish I could do that everyday. Don’t need to worry about going home, don’t need to worry about going to classes, going to bed, exams, jerk…
Cannot cannot…after finals we must go somewhere together. Go where go where? Let’s just drive to Genting hahaha. Or Raub. Yeah can’t wait for 2nd of Nov to come. Hahaha.
Ahem. Excuse me; you think you’ve studied enough izzit? So excited for what? Wahahahaha.
Ok ok…let’s not talk about the finals first. I’ll study after I finished this ok? Promise. Hahaha.
Bought my baju raya (thanx uncle cliff!!!) and went out for dinner with my family today. Two members were missing though. My mum(working) and my younger bro(this one is really missing lol. god knows what he’s doing in Penang). After dinner, Uncle Cliff and Joshua went to the barber’s shop for a haircut but were disappointed. Hahahahaha. Apa lar…Deepavali where got open? Mad.
In the end, all of them went to my place to hang out for a while. we were talking, laughing, making fun of each other(today’s major issue was how short I am), and eating. We don’t get to do this very often. Usually only happens on Chinese new year. I love it when my family get together. We are very loud you know. When we start talking and laughing…plus the noises from the television and those 2 mad kids (haha they are really mad ok. mad but cute) screaming…the building can really collapse hahaha. Oh, we had Auntie Annes and Baskin Robbin (my favourite, or izzit still?) for dessert. It’s not important, but baskin robbin reminds me of Jerk. Reminds me of Jerk when he bought me baskin robbin to cheer me up. I think he was very sweet when he delivered baskin robbin to my house, when he knew I wasn’t around. I think he was sweet when he suddenly flew off to buy baskin robbin for me when we were eating in kfc with yong, cc, and jiavern. Oh, this one was because he made me upset haha. We even had baskin robbin on Valentine’s day (in the car)…when we were on the way to Ikea. Ok, ya we’re mad. We went hang kai in Ikea on Valentine’s Day. Wahahaha. And I can’t believe he doesn’t like strawberry cheesecake. It’s my favourite.
Anyway, I’ve been avoiding baskin robbin since we broke up. Hahaha. Ok I know I’m mad. When I saw my ah Yee at the door, holding that baskin robbin box, I tell u, I can see Jerk’s face on the box hahaha. Ok drop it. Don’t think about Jerk lar, aiyo. Maybe he’s happily eating baskin robbin with the girl, no, his girlfriend right now. Mad, it’s almost 4am. Hahaha. Maybe she hates strawberry cheesecake too. So that they can form an anti-strawberry cheesecake club together. Ok what the hell am I talking about? HAHAHA
Haih…I don’t get it…I have friends…I have family…they are all wonderful people and I love them very, very much. So why do I still need Jerk?

Happy Belated B'day to Edison n Uncle Cliff =p

CLIFF N JOANNA, MY UNCLE N AH YEE
UNCLE CLIFF, AH YEE
UNCLE CLIFF N AH YEE
<-EDISON CHEN!!!
Oh talking about birthday…wanna wish Happy Belated Birthday to Edison Chen and Uncle Cliff, my erm…uncle, obviously. Both Oct 7. Love both of you!!! LOL. Especially Uncle Cliff…I will never forget how nice you were…driving all the way to the highway to save me when I ran out of petrol, before you even sempat to buka puasa. Hahaha. Thanx so so so much and really appreciate that you didn’t tell mummy and popo(grandma) about that incident ( they would freak out). Again, happy birthday…and erm…live happily ever after with my ah yee (mother’s sister). Wahaha

9TH OCT- TAN JIA VERN'S BDAY

Today, 9th of Oct is one of my best friends’ 19th birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! Above are some photos taken with her and other friends. Btw, she's Jia Vern. I prefer to call her tan jia. lol. We were friends since form 1, together with Siang Yeng, Chai Hoong, and Chiu Khuk. The first one is a photo of me(right) and tan jia. look at my stupid dull hair n sleepy eyes haha. 2nd photo is from left-chai, siang, jia, n me(taken on siang's bday in june). 3rd photo was taken in jia's room earlier this year, with mafia boss, and the last photo is, well, obviously me n her. I’m feeling kinda serba salah now because I’m super broke right now, and I’m always broke when her birthday arrives. I have less than 100 bucks to survive for this month so I don’t know what to do. It didn’t help that siang and chai did not seem to take any initiative to do anything. ok maybe they are doing something bout it now, but i dont know. hahaha. i believe they DO remember her bday. Anyway, who am I to judge them? For a while, I thought her birthday was on the 10th, until I spoke to Mafia Boss. She’s upset because she has waited for the whole Sunday for us to ask her out…and I only did right after she agreed to go out with her UTAR friends. Now, I already promised to meet her on Tuesday, but I don’t have enough money for a gift, have no idea how to celebrate with her, and still not sure whether those two can make it or not. Ok I’m really a horrible friend. She and I have differences but we’re still good friends. And she never forgets my birthday. Adui. Dilemma…
Jia Vern, if you ever see this...i'm so sorry for being broke on your birthdayS and almost wishing you happy bday on the 10th. dont know if this would make u feel better-> i was almost as broke as i m now during siang's bday LOL.

Where is Jerk?

Wondering what is jerk doing and where is he now. probably sleeping, right? he has morning class tomorrow. ok this is sooo non of my business. STOP THINKING ABOUT JERK PLS. Why care so much? maybe he's at the girl's house rite now. if he can go to my house, he can go to hers too. wait, wait. 'the girl' is now his girlfriend ok. WAKE UP!!! i know, i know its over. i'm in the process of 'forgetting'. wahahaha. donk is gonna slap me now. lets go n concentrate chattin with donk.

p/s: donk is a donkey that i met in monash, together with moo(the cow). they r my best frens (besides esther, and yee leng, which i have not met for very, very long)in uni.haha. by the way, i'm the pig lol. above is a pic of me hugging donk wahaha.

Faculty of Prinsip sudah di-hijacked

I think I feel better now, after ‘suffering’ for a few days. I was pretty upset when jerk (the guy I mentioned in the previous post. me n donk refer him as jerk. no particular reason, we call everyone jerk hehe) told me he couldn’t go to Langkawi with us. Apparently his girlfriend didn’t like it, because I’m gonna be there. Ok, can’t blame her; how many girls would allow their boyfriend to go on a trip with his ex girlfriend? The reason I was so upset wasn’t really because of the fact that he’s not going, I was upset because I was frustrated with myself. We’ve already broken up for a few months now, and our story never seems to end. And it’s not his fault. Til now, I still don’t know how to reject him. I’m afraid of being rejected, that’s why I seldom approach him first in msn, invite him to my house, etc. I try not too. But every time he approaches me in msn while I’m doing assignment, I’d chat with him anyway. If he wants to come over, I’d try to make myself free. By doing this I’m just exposing myself to possibilities of getting hurt (lol is this sentence correct or not? don’t care lar haha). Why? Sometimes, he disappears after chatting for a few minutes, or he takes centuries to reply, because he’s busy playing games. Or he would ‘fong fei kei’ when he promises to come over. He always leaves me feeling like an idiot ok. I mean, I wasn’t even free in the first place. Where are all my principles? Where? I should have said ‘no’, or ‘cannot’, but instead I give him chances to ditch me. Same goes for the Langkawi trip. The day he told me they already started, I was upset. Worrying about me, Siang and Chai suggested we leave him out of the trip. Not to sabotage him, but they’re afraid that I wouldn’t enjoy the trip with him around. I didn’t listen. To me, this would just make things uglier. After all, we are still friends, and it’s not his fault that I’m still in love with him. Most importantly, we already invited him earlier. How would he feel if he finds out his friends leave him out of the plan? I don’t know how excited he is to go on a trip with us…maybe not at all. He is probably not interested to go with us anymore. But it doesn’t matter. We already did our part by asking him to come along; the rest is up to him, right? That’s what I thought. So mati-mati pun I wanna follow the original plan. Care so much about his feelings til I risked having him say ‘no’ to me. In conclusion, as usual, he said ok in the beginning and ditch us when we needed to confirm. Ya, wanna jaga perasaan orang lain, but perasaan sendiri tak terjaga. I said to myself, “why the hell are you so upset? Didn’t you see this coming?”
Adui. What happened to all my prinsip? And the worst part is I don’t have the rights to be upset or mad at him. Who am I to be mad? I’m just the ‘best friend’. Who cares?

My last name is idiot

Is idiot my last name? Why do I keep doing things that don’t make sense? Why do I keep repeating the same mistakes? Why am I constantly feeling upset about things that are not suppose to be important? What is wrong with me? I’ve always considered myself as decent person. I make mistakes, but I don’t steal, I don’t rob, I don’t kill, I don’t go around cursing other people’s family. I’m not an angel, but I think I can say that I’ve done an average, if not more, amount of good deeds in life. So where did I go wrong? What the hell did I do wrong? Falling in love? With the first guy that I love with my whole heart? Why in the world that of all people…it has to be him? Why? Why is he so important to me? Why is my world upside down after losing him? He’s just a guy, for god sake. And I let myself drown a million times because of him. Because he doesn’t love me anymore. I can’t describe how ashamed I feel of myself, when I think of the tears I’ve wasted, and the time I’ve wasted feeling sad and depressed. And how would my mother feel if she finds out that her daughter, who is supposedly ‘strong’, is still depressed over the same person, after all that has happened? All these while I thought I was a strong person. I thought I could handle all challenges in life. I went through things that normal kids don’t. I wasn’t born ‘perfect’. I grew up in a family where the members spent times killing each other. I don’t remember the feeling of having a father. In my whole life, I have these morons haunting me & my family, telling me what I should believe, and what I should do. I didn’t let that bother me. I thought it made me more matured and sensible. But now, I just feel like a useless piece of shit. What is the matter with me? Why is my brain full of negativity? What happened to my ability to think sensibly? Is this me? Is this really me? Is my mind now being controlled by some kinda ghost? Or did I knock my head a few months ago? Did someone curse me? Or was I born idiot, but too idiot to realize it…til now?