Faculty of Prinsip sudah di-hijacked

I think I feel better now, after ‘suffering’ for a few days. I was pretty upset when jerk (the guy I mentioned in the previous post. me n donk refer him as jerk. no particular reason, we call everyone jerk hehe) told me he couldn’t go to Langkawi with us. Apparently his girlfriend didn’t like it, because I’m gonna be there. Ok, can’t blame her; how many girls would allow their boyfriend to go on a trip with his ex girlfriend? The reason I was so upset wasn’t really because of the fact that he’s not going, I was upset because I was frustrated with myself. We’ve already broken up for a few months now, and our story never seems to end. And it’s not his fault. Til now, I still don’t know how to reject him. I’m afraid of being rejected, that’s why I seldom approach him first in msn, invite him to my house, etc. I try not too. But every time he approaches me in msn while I’m doing assignment, I’d chat with him anyway. If he wants to come over, I’d try to make myself free. By doing this I’m just exposing myself to possibilities of getting hurt (lol is this sentence correct or not? don’t care lar haha). Why? Sometimes, he disappears after chatting for a few minutes, or he takes centuries to reply, because he’s busy playing games. Or he would ‘fong fei kei’ when he promises to come over. He always leaves me feeling like an idiot ok. I mean, I wasn’t even free in the first place. Where are all my principles? Where? I should have said ‘no’, or ‘cannot’, but instead I give him chances to ditch me. Same goes for the Langkawi trip. The day he told me they already started, I was upset. Worrying about me, Siang and Chai suggested we leave him out of the trip. Not to sabotage him, but they’re afraid that I wouldn’t enjoy the trip with him around. I didn’t listen. To me, this would just make things uglier. After all, we are still friends, and it’s not his fault that I’m still in love with him. Most importantly, we already invited him earlier. How would he feel if he finds out his friends leave him out of the plan? I don’t know how excited he is to go on a trip with us…maybe not at all. He is probably not interested to go with us anymore. But it doesn’t matter. We already did our part by asking him to come along; the rest is up to him, right? That’s what I thought. So mati-mati pun I wanna follow the original plan. Care so much about his feelings til I risked having him say ‘no’ to me. In conclusion, as usual, he said ok in the beginning and ditch us when we needed to confirm. Ya, wanna jaga perasaan orang lain, but perasaan sendiri tak terjaga. I said to myself, “why the hell are you so upset? Didn’t you see this coming?”
Adui. What happened to all my prinsip? And the worst part is I don’t have the rights to be upset or mad at him. Who am I to be mad? I’m just the ‘best friend’. Who cares?